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Have you ever caught yourself questioning why you find comfort in people? Or why you cannot, for the love of God, have an intimate relationship with family, friends or even a romantic partner? Why do some of us have the desperate need to be loved even if it means compromising ourselves? Why do we constantly seek validation and reassurance? Why do we struggle to confront unpleasant and unwarranted situations?
In the early years of our lives, our interactions and experiences give shape to our thoughts, emotions, and behaviour. They influence our perception of the world as a safe place, brimming with life and adventure or as a dangerous and fearful place.
Visit a top hospital if you are interested to know more about the role of early parenting and attachments.
Let’s Look at an Example!
Have you seen infants with a strong attachment to their favourite toy or blanket? Though it is not their mother or father, they have positive feelings of love, affection and comfort associated with it. As they grow and become more positively aware of themselves and explore the world around them, they can abandon these objects. Lauren Schapiro, a psychotherapist explains. “Stuffed animals serve many different purposes for children and even adults. Some use stuffed animals to connect them to important relationships or past events in their life. Others may use them as a coping strategy when dealing with life stressors. Regardless of the reason, it is completely normal.”
What is Attachment?
We form a close emotional bond or attachment with our parents and caregivers who shower us with love and affection and reciprocate our gestures as babies. We seek comfort in their arms and feel happier and more secure in their presence. While this may seem insignificant, it is in fact a foundation on which we build a sense of trust and an optimistic expectation of the world.
What is the Role of Early Parenting?
"It's essentially how we were emotionally cared for—or not cared for—as children growing up," Lippman-Barile explains.
This goes to show that parenting styles are very crucial for the optimal development of a child. A child that is securely attached to the parent or caregiver is open to experiences while having the assurance of returning ‘home’. When parents are sensitive, affectionate and accepting, they raise confident children ready to take on the world.
On the other hand, parents who are overly strict disciplinarians or constantly criticize and nit-pick, raise children who are anxious and constantly fear the real world and hesitate to go beyond their comfort zone. They throw tantrums and cry when separated, constantly demanding attention. Such an insecure attachment can emerge in many forms including anxious or ambivalent attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment.
Secure Attachment
“The best inheritance a parent can give their child is their time each day.”
How does secure attachment show up in adults?
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Children who live in a nurturing and supportive environment do not shy away from intimate relationships.
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They are open about their feelings and emotions, maturely conveying them.
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They can set healthy boundaries for themselves without experiencing overwhelming amounts of guilt.
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They can bond in healthy and longer-lasting relationships, modelling the ones they grow up around.
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They have a strong social support system and have empathy and compassion towards themselves and others, thus showcasing powerful intra and interpersonal intelligence.
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They show higher emotional intelligence and self-confidence.
Anxious Attachment
When a child’s basic comfort needs are ignored and overlooked, he develops extreme distrust in the world and the people around him. This is manifested in their adulthood as an anxious attachment.
Parents who show inconsistency in meeting the belongingness and comfort needs of their children make them more vulnerable to such an insecure attachment. They occasionally express love and affection towards their child, providing a thriving environment. While sometimes, they turn a deaf ear towards their emotional and physical well-being or appear intrusive and over-indulging.
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These adults show unhealthy levels of anxiety and insecurity in dealing with others or entering an intimate relationship.
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They crave reassurance and validation but also tend to feel unworthy of love.
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They assign excessive importance to others and indulge in people-pleasing behaviour.
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They may appear desperate and clingy, while in reality, they fear abandonment.
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They are often overwhelmed by uncontrollable feelings of jealousy, insecurity and over-possessiveness.
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They seem to be moody or unpredictable.
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They are in a constant state of hypervigilance, anticipating instability in relationships.
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Dominant negative self-image.
Avoidant Attachment
Insecure attachment may show up as avoidant attachment, in which the adult often suppresses emotions and tends to avoid uncomfortable situations in relationships as they were neglected as a child by the caregiver or parent. Such parents are unavailable, emotionally distant and forsake their responsibility to nourish the child. They may discourage the expression of emotions and over-discipline their children and resort to punitive measures.
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These adults escape or evade unpleasant situations and are unwilling to face them.
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They often describe others as ‘clingy’ or ‘needy’ and are afraid of intimacy.
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They face difficulty in entering relationships and prefer independence. Therefore, they tend to have more ‘flings’ and ‘situationships’.
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They are indifferent to their partner’s emotional needs and are willing to compromise their relationships.
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Dominant negative self-image.
Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized attachment is a result of being exposed to a chaotic and abusive environment as children due to which they associate feelings of anxiety and fear with their caregivers and parents. Parents are often overworked and stressed and are therefore unable to channel their negative emotions appropriately. Often, the caregiver is not their parent, and thus is ‘unfamiliar’. As a result, there is a deep-rooted conflict in children’s minds who grow apart due to the lack of a ‘parental figure’.
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They have disorganized opinions of love and affection.
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They feel unworthy of love, and crave intimacy but are often confused and therefore sabotage their chances.
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They are unable to express themselves openly and without the fear of being judged or told off.
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They have a fear of being rejected or hurt by their partners and therefore withdraw themselves despite their longing for love.
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They have a negative self-image and are unable to trust others.
The role of parents in their children’s lives is undeniably essential. While it is natural and okay to make mistakes as a parent, it should be remembered that it should not compromise the child’s happy and healthy development. We often underestimate the value of just being there for someone, especially our kids. It is our responsibility as parents, to ensure that our kids grow with the ability to find beauty in the world; bond into strong, nourishing relationships; feel loved and appreciated; feel safe; express emotions, whether good or bad; show empathy and compassion; to face any challenge.
Because as Frederick Douglass once said, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”
Consult a psychologist in Whitefield if you require counselling on parenting or any other mental health-related issues affecting your child.
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