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Trauma bonding is essentially when a victim feels a connection towards the abuser in an aversive relationship.
The perpetrator uses strategic techniques such as a combination of gaslighting, control and manipulation whilst following principles of intermittent conditioning.
Intermittent conditioning is the delivery of positive rewards at irregular intervals, which keeps the recipient on the edge, enduring the aversive conditions to experience the reward that they don’t know.
(Similar to how people spend life savings on gambling, expecting a jackpot).
Synopsis
The Mechanism
Intermittent reinforcement, like the cycle of trauma bonding, involves enduring abuse with occasional moments of affection. These spontaneous positive experiences can make it hard for individuals to leave, as they seek to replicate feelings of relief and safety.
The abuse can be in the form of gaslighting, physical/emotional attacks, manipulation and blackmailing and in return, one would get some form of intimacy and feeling not so alone, in irregular cycles.
Love bombing- Often observed in a stage of abusive relationships where the partner treats the other very well; spoiling them with gifts and affection and instilling false hopes and promises. It is, however, short-term and feeds into intermittent reinforcement.
Who Are Vulnerable?
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A family history of mental health problems
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Limited social support
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An insecure attachment style
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Poor or insufficient coping strategies
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A history of being bullied or harassed
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A prior history of trauma
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Substance abuse or addiction
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Absentee or negligent parenting
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Identity disturbances
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Narcissistic parenting
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Mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, and borderline personality disorder
Spotlight on Attachment Style
Insecure attachment is a pivotal factor which drives one to be extra vulnerable to fall prey to trauma bonds.
Insecure styles are:
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Anxious: The fear of being rejected or abandoned often drives individuals to seek validation from others rather than within themselves
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Anxious-avoidant: may have difficulty building meaningful relationships due to fear of intimacy.
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Disorganized: AKA Fearful avoidant style and in this case, people may have a negative view of self and others.
Role of parents
Trauma bonding often originates from a troubled relationship with a caregiver during childhood, where there may have been no alternative option for forming attachments. Those who gravitate towards unhealthy or unsatisfactory relationships often have early experiences of connections that lacked emotional safety or stability.
Signs of Trauma bonding
As discussed, the major themes of being in a trauma bond are excessive manipulation from your partner and the cyclical nature of their ‘reinforcements’ and ‘punishments’. However, there are other prominent signs you can look for to see if you are in a similar relationship structure:
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You feel unhappy and may not even like your partner any longer, but you still feel unable to end things.
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When you do try to leave, you feel physically and emotionally distressed.
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When you say you want to leave, they promise to change but make no effort actually to do so.
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You fixate on the “good” days, using them to prove they truly care.
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You make excuses and defend their behaviour when others express concern.
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You continue to trust them and hope to change them.
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You protect them by keeping abusive behaviour secret.
Consult our psychologist in Bangalore if you are experiencing the signs of trauma bonding.
To heal is not to fix but to start somewhere
You may be a shrine but you are your deity, to recognise your value and how you are mistreated is the first step in healing from a traumatic relationship.
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Record/keep tabs on evidence: Keep a journal to document how your mood, behaviour and your partner’s range on a daily basis.
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Talk to a loved one: Letting trusted ones know about your situation may fortify your security and support may be delivered to you whenever needed
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Avoid self-blame: Thinking you're responsible for the abuse or bringing it upon yourself can hinder your ability to assert your autonomy, trapping you in the relationship. Remember, abuse is never your fault, regardless of your actions or fears of loneliness without them, or how many times you've returned
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Cut off contact: This is the hardest bit and the failure of accomplishing this ensnares one to biding to the relationship. It is essential you find the right strategy to muster the strength and courage to do this.
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Seek professional help: A licensed therapist can provide clarity and deep insights into your problems whilst giving you effective strategies and skills to navigate you through the issues at hand. To heal is not to fix but to start somewhere.
Consult our psychology hospital in Bangalore if you need to know more about how to heal trauma bonding and minimise stress anxiety depression caused by it.
Help is readily available; all it takes is a step!
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